When I first started doing yoga seven years ago, I knew almost immediately that I would want to teach. I knew it would take some time, so I diligently practiced, dreaming of the day when I would be able to share the practice with other people. I took two yoga teacher training courses, and after two years of practice, I was invited to teach at the studio I was practicing at. I was unbelievably happy about it, and taught at that studio for another three years.
About five years into my practice, my partner and I moved to Ottawa, and I started practicing at a new studio. It was very different from the studio I was at before (but still Astanga, so not THAT different…). I was invited to teach there as well. I declined at first, saying that I wanted to get settled in, which totally felt right. I was intending on teaching at some point….and two years later, I have keys to the studio, and am on the substitution list, and was offered a spot on the schedule, but declined, time and again.
The interesting thing is that I’m still practicing (more than ever!) and have a pretty solid practice. But when I think about teaching other people, I don’t feel excited. I feel tired. The thought of students exhausts me. I don’t know if I haven’t learned how to give them, and myself, space, or if students really are just that demanding. I think of all the questions, the awkward poses, the eagerness, the competitiveness, the egos, the torn hamstrings from doing things you told them not to do, the wanting to do more than they’re ready for…and it simply exhausts me imagining having to deal with it.
So I think I’m at a spot where I’m just not ready to teach. I clearly don’t know how to deal with the demands of students, and the pressures either I or my students put on me.
This yoga teacher doesn’t want to teach.